I have had men ask me before about getting into “the lifestyle,” which to me denotes ethical non-monogamy.
The lifestyle is often the phrase used by swingers to talk about the swinging lifestyle, but I’ll expand the use of it here.
How can they get into it without seeming like an uncaring dude? How do they broach the subject with a current partner? How do they find like-minded people?
1. Know yourself.
Get to know your reasons and motivations for exploring non-monogamy. Be brutally honest with yourself.
The only way you will be able to engage in ethical non-monogamy is if you are able to articulate your reasons to yourself and any partners you have. Don’t be embarrassed or scared to admit to yourself what you really want and why.
Do you want to explore particular kinks or fetishes? Do you simply want sexual variety? Do you fall in love easily and want the freedom to love multiple people?
Write down some of the pros and cons you see in having your ideal relationship structure and let it percolate. This is a process, and your desires, needs and wants will change and can change often.
As long as you are able to be honest with yourself, you have taken the first step in communicating what you want to others and making it happen.
“Communicating can require practice
when you are delving outside the norm.”
2. Meet people.
Meeting like-minded people can be more or less difficult depending on where you live and how private or public you want to keep your adventures.
In any case, going online to meet people can be your first step. The casual encounters section of Craigslist is often used, and I have found many sexually open people on OkCupid (there are many polyamorous and non-monogamous folks there compared to other dating sites.)
You can also check out various swinger websites. There are so many: SwingLifestyle, LifestyleLounge, LustLab, LifestyleTonight, Kasidie and more. Just do a search. Many websites are regionally popular.
If you are fortunate to live in a big enough place, there will probably be at least one, if not more, on-site swinger parties and clubs you can attend.
If you are a single man, this will be more difficult to do, as many swinger groups are organized to limit the number of single men in attendance.
Still, it is a worthwhile way to meet people in your local community. There could also be meet-up groups or places for the BDSM community or polyamorous community.
3. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
This applies to any partner you have now, and any future partners, and is related back to number one.
Communicating with others takes practice and can require even extra practice when you are delving into experiences that are outside the norm.
Practice your safer sex talk so you feel comfortable talking about safer sex with people, especially if you want to have a lot of casual sex. Practice talking about your emotional and physical boundaries.
Practice saying your preferred sex words aloud (dick, cock, penis, pussy, twat, box, vagina, lick, stroke, suck, tease, tug, nibble, bite, scratch, etc.) Practice hearing no and yes.
If you make a mistake, apologize, clarify and move on.