If he’s a man, he’s capable of lying to you. It doesn’t matter if he is a sweet and sensitive David Archuletta-type or dangerous and confident like Snoop Dogg. The reasons may differ — some want to spare your feelings, while others want to live a double life.
Sometimes it may come as a shock if their interest suddenly evaporates, but most of the time the signs were there all along. You just have to learn to pick up on them.
Look, listen and learn
Love is a drug that can make you stupid. It can make you trust when you shouldn’t, but it can also make you ignore anything you don’t want to hear, see or believe. Sometimes women will overlook obvious signs and even direct statements if they don’t fit the fairy tale they are trying to live out.
You can start by just keeping your eyes, ears and intuitive mind open all the time. If a man gives you a gift, that’s usually very nice. If the gift is an axe, that means he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
When I was a disc jockey at my college radio station, I dated one girl two times. I had turned down request after request to see her again, but still she kept calling and stalking me.
Finally, I dedicated “I Used to Love Her, But It’s All Over Now” by The Rolling Stones to her on my radio show. She left a message thanking me for my thoughtful dedication. Noooo! That wasn’t the message I was clearly sending.
If a half-dozen rejections in a row don’t give you a clue, at least listen to the words of the song he plays for you.
He might try to be honest and say that you should both date other people, but you just gloss over it and, despite his objections, write it off as nonsense and assume that he now sees things your way.
Or maybe you cried and got all clingy and had instant make-up sex while he told you not to worry because it was just a stupid thought he had. Well, now what? You shut down his attempts at communication with a cavalier wave of your hand or a flood of tears (which no man can ignore).
He can’t talk to a woman who won’t listen and he won’t twist the blade in an injured kitten, so he lies. He might not even be fully aware that he is lying as he comforts you.
In hindsight, you can see the problem isn’t truly resolved, can’t you? If you want the truth, sometimes you have to ask for it. And you have to be able to accept it. You want him to be a grown-up, and you have to be a grown-up, too.
A few days later, when you have your emotions pulled together and you are in a public setting like a restaurant or coffee house, bring up the subject again in a very matter-of-fact way. Make sure he can tell that there will be no waterworks this time, and let him feel safe.
He has to know the truth will not make him a bad guy. You want the truth, right? Be prepared for the worst. Or, you can do as he chose to do: Continue to live the lie until it eventually ends badly.
“Your expectations, assumptions and desires
are not enough to pull him along emotionally.”
Be on the same page
Women tend to know what they want and get comfortable in a situation more quickly than men do. It’s not uncommon for a woman to feel like she and her guy are in “relationship mode,” while he stupidly assumes that they are in a sort of permanent “booty call” mode.
Of course, the man will figure out that she is getting serious before too long, and that’s when he has to decide how he will handle it. He may want nothing to do with any kind of commitment right now, but he doesn’t want to give up those fabulous belly-to-belly moments either.
He knows you aren’t likely to go for an open relationship, so he makes excuses when he is “exploring other options.” Actually, when commitment is closing in, men often begin to feel that there might be “something better” out there that they are missing out on.
Shopping around is often a good way for them to come to terms with the commitment required by a real relationship.
It’s also possible that he was never in the relationship for the same reason you were. You may be missing the fact that he just doesn’t have that “lovin’ feeling.” If you pay attention, you can usually tell if a man wants you or your body.
Does he love to kiss you? Kisses are for the person inside of you. Sex can be just skin deep. If he doesn’t touch you, caress your skin and face, and pays less and less attention to the foreplay, he might not have much of an emotional connection.
At the very least, he should be kissing you and touching your skin during the more intimate and slow “phase one” of a sexual encounter. Don’t worry if the kissing drops off as the action gets into high gear, as that is very normal.
Assume that he’s a wuss
Guys like to avoid confrontation when at all possible. There are plenty of times when you expect him to read your mind, and sometimes you just have to read his, too.
Actions speak louder than words, so if he is acting aloof, doesn’t return any of your calls or texts, and can never see you because he has to shampoo his dog or babysit his grandmother’s ficus, he’s probably just not that into you.
The sad truth is that most guys are boneheads, weasels and scaredy cats. Even great guys can become big fat liars when it comes to women.
They might lie because they are afraid the truth will hurt your feelings. They might lie because they don’t want to burn a bridge that they might need for a lonely night sometime down the road. They might seem to fall off the edge of the earth if you’ve just been dating casually because they feel like there is really no connection to sever, even though there was a connection for you.
Just because he has a tallywacker doesn’t mean that he has the cojones to go with it. Once you’ve gotten under his skin and into his heart, a man will most often be very loyal, loving and dependable.
But in the early stages of dating, including the high-flying honeymoon period of those early intimate experiences, you just have to be careful and observant. Look for the signs that his attention may be wandering and communicate. Ask him where he thinks the relationship is at and where it’s heading.
Let him take his time, and don’t scare him away with the threat of love and commitment. Just be a safe and welcoming place. Your expectations, assumptions and desires are not enough to pull him along emotionally.
Don’t invest too much of yourself before you feel secure with his evolving commitment level, and be prepared to move on if he’s not evolving at all.